Network in the Right Community

One of the horrors of networking is gathering a thousand business cards, letting them sit on your desk or in a shoe box and 6 months later not knowing who any of these people are. For many years I believed effective networking was simply meeting as many people as I could and entering them into my database. Perhaps I was in scarcity mode. Perhaps I felt that if I met enough people, the right ones would jump out and grab me.

Sigh. It doesn't work like that. Or at least it hasn't worked like that for me. It’s important to think about the kinds of people you want to me. The kinds of communities you belong in. Let me give you an example:

I am a writer. I am a published author. I have published my own books and other authors' books. I have designed books. I want to continue to do all these things. I want to interview writers and authors and others in the book world. Okay, so where am I going to meet them? I am computer literate and technologically savvy. I am a tiny publisher, but know my way around the online world as well as the offline world. I am on the leading edge of where publishing is going and I want to stay there. Hmm, so where might I find like kind? Where might I find my flock?

One place would be the TOC Conference. Tools of Change Conference -- all about publishing and how technology affects it and will affect it. Publishing is changing every day. It is in flux. There are no hard and fast rules. It's a great time of experimentation. And we need to bring ourselves together to share our experiences. This conference is being produced by O'Reilly Media. Now, O'Reilly is really on the cutting edge of what's happening in publishing. This is because O'Reilly is known for publishing computer books -- and these books are like produce -- when they are ripe and relevant, they are hot, but they can be obsolete within a few years as software changes. So, they are looking at books, content, subscription services -- all kinds of ways to get important information in the hands of those who need it.

This conference is being held June 18-20 in San Jose. I need to be there. This is one of my communities. I need to rub shoulders with these folks. This is exactly where I need to be networking. If this is one of your communities, let me know (I can help you find the right discounted registration).

So, the challenge is to identify your communities first. Those you need. Those you want. Those you want to move into. Mine are all about writing and books and content and publishing. What are yours?

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Deepening connections with those you might take for granted

My friend Vinnie is always including me in family events and gatherings. She lives in Oakland and I live in San Francisco. So close and yet at times so far apart.

Last Saturday, her daughter, who has just graduated from UC Berkeley, invited me to an afternoon celebration. It was a perfect day. It was a lovely party. I know these people so well I can actually relax and know I don’t have to smile and be “nice” every single minute. I’ve been fighting a cold (or maybe allergies) and part of me wasn’t sure I had the energy to get to Orinda where the party was being held.

But, I went. I took BART and Vinnie came and picked me up. The party was being held at her brother’s home, which was their family home growing up. And just so you can understand how complex all our lives really are when we look closely, I’ll go deeper into the existing relationships. Her mother and my mother were sorority sisters at Berkeley in the ‘30s. I found out this weekend that she believes my mother was her mother’s “Big Sister” at Alpha Delta Pi. They were bridesmaids in each other’s weddings. Her mother was my godmother.

And now, Vinnie and I are friends, more than friends, almost family. With all our parents now gone, our connections and our extended families are more important than ever. I am deeply honored (and flattered) her daughter would continue this tradition and invite me to this party.

Over the years I had met other members of this extended family. Vinnie, to my eyes, is a person who builds community every day - with phone calls, parties, emails. With making the time to spend time with those she cares about. As we would sit on her deck and chat lazily on a Sunday afternoon, we’d talk about everything and anything -- she kept me abreast of their lives – albeit at some distance.

So, I go to this party, expecting to have an okay time, spend little bits of time with “the family,” and do some small talking (which I am not good at,) and leave at a reasonable hour. Essentially I expected to make my appearance, acknowledge her daughter’s graduation, share a few hugs, and go home.

Instead, I connected personally with others, artists, in ways I had not done before. Vinnie has been attracted to artists, as was her mother. I think she includes me in her artist friend category, as did her mother (which is another story entirely.) She has introduced me to her other artist friends over the years, but it never seemed to click, to get personal. Yesterday it all clicked.

So, what does this have to do with networking? I think it has to do with being authentic, with taking baby steps, and letting things happen. One of the artists said, “You know, the more you show who you really are, the lonelier you think you’re going to be. And it’s so not that way. By being authentic, you attract others… in droves.” Later, she offered to drive me to BART when I was ready to leave so we could chat some more.

And this wasn’t the only deeper connection made. One introduced me to her daughter who was struggling to be a writer. Another invited me to come visit and see where she lives and her small spaces. And from a third, I was told about a book he was reading that he thought I’d be interested in because of the typography. I was asked several times for my email address or my phone number. That had not happened before. We had always been cordial and friendly, but somehow distant.

I said out loud what I do and how right it is for me – book publishing services; what I am interested in – typography, writing, book design, small spaces, labyrinths. I took steps; got myself out there; spoke out loud. I let it all flow at its own pace. I didn’t push anything. But I didn’t hem and haw either. I’m looking around at what I already think I know and seeing new possibilities.

I was delighted, quietly content. Do I know where this will lead? No, of course not. Do I feel that I’ve taken steps to build my own artistic community? Definitely. Was this a day when I was in alignment? Yes. And all of this was possible because of friendship: mine; Vinnie’s; our mothers’. Thanks Vinnie.